Self Love. This is a concept I hear about all the time. I see the memes, I’ve read the suggestions, I see the posts on Instagram by women claiming to have figured it out. But I still never “got it.”
Self Loathing. That’s a concept I’m much more comfortable with. I am a perfectionist. The only person’s expectations I have never been able to exceed are my own. Good has never been good enough. There would always be something more I could be doing to please everyone in my life, even if it destroyed me.
I’m learning that the cognitive distortions leading to these negative thought pathways are ingrained habits. And habits are hard to break. So, when I thought about Self Love as something to which I should be striving, I could never picture it. I was never able to conceptualize what it would be like to love myself, really love myself.
Until like two days ago. I captured a tiny, fleeting glimpse of what Self Love feels like and how I can define it for myself. And it changed my life.
On Sunday night, my husband went out to spend time with a friend. It is really important to us in our relationship that we have friendships and people outside of each other. Space like this is a healthy thing for us. That being said, alone time is a struggle for me. I am such a people-pleaser, I crave human connection so I can reassure myself I am worth something.
So, when my husband went out on Sunday night, my default setting was immediate loneliness. As if someone had flipped a switch on my heart and my brain, I automatically started thinking about all the people in my life who I miss. All of my friends who have moved far away from me in our adult lives, and all the things we used to do together that would fill me up.
And then I stopped myself. I told my brain no. I refused to allow myself to think those thoughts.
Instead, I asked myself, “If you had access to those friends right now, what would you choose to do and with whom would you do it?”
That’s easy, I replied to myself. My best male friend and I used to do this thing when we would hang out on chill nights in. He’s one of my best friends because he is a verbal processor too. He likes learning about and discussing interesting new things, making connections to prior knowledge, coming to new conclusions, just like I do. So what we would do when we were together was watch David Attenborough narrated nature documentaries on Netflix, on mute, while we listened to music. Phones in hand, we would rapid google any questions we had about animals, we would search up new music to sample, and we would have discussions that I swear could solve all of the world’s problems.
That’s what I wanted to do on Sunday. And, although the sadness at the distance between me and one of my best friends was still there, I had a sudden epiphany that I could do all those things by myself too. Sure, I wouldn’t really have anyone to verbally process it all with, but why does that mean I can’t listen to music and watch nature documentaries on mute? Why can’t I conduct my own solo inquiries into things I’m interested in? I can do that. So I did.
I ordered myself pizza. I put Our Planet on Netflix. I put on a Spotify playlist full of music my husband isn’t really into. I googled a bunch of random things. I drank wine. I had a whole lot of fun.
And the realization about Self Love I mentioned before? It crashed over me like the sun-warmed waves of Lake Michigan in August. What Self Love means to me is finding the thing you love to do, that you don’t need anyone else there to enjoy. It’s the space in my life I can fill, the interests I can engage in, without anyone else’s presence necessary.
Do I still miss my Colorado-stationed best friend? Obviously. Do I still wish he was around to do these activities with? Without question.
And, I found something in myself that I really loved on Sunday night. An ability to feel full, to feel good enough, to feel like I have something to offer myself, to feel like I have worth, regardless of someone else’s opinions of me.
I still don’t have all the answers. I still am not able to truly sit here and say I love myself completely. The self-criticisms are all still up there, rattling around my brain. But, I know what Self Love looks like now. I know how to access it. I know what it means to me.
I hope that anyone reading this will also take the time to figure Self Love out for themselves. Because damn, it feels good.
An Experiment with Vulnerability 