An Update on my Life: For those who are interested

Yesterday was my last day of teaching. I am officially on medical leave for the rest of the school year. Deciding to bow out at this point in the school year is the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make. Half of me wants to write this to desperately justify my decision. On the other hand, I’m hoping continuing to process through my reasons for leaving my job will help give me renewed confidence that it was the right decision. So here we go.

I have been struggling ya’ll. On the best day, teaching middle school is a really challenging job. Middle schoolers are out of their mind, high on hormones. Their brains have not developed the ability to assess risk or think about consequences before their actions; meaning they are impulsive, emotional, and chaotic (and those are the good days). Combine this reality with: 

• the traumatizing state of national and local affairs, 
• the rate of family deportations that have taken place within our school community over the four years I’ve worked there, 
• institutional policies and practices in American public education at odds with the needs of my students of color and LGBTQ+ students, 
• the individual childhood trauma many students bring to school with them every day, 
• we don’t have air conditioning so it is likely to be around 95 degrees in my classroom in September and June, 
• my classroom was built in the 1960s when class sizes were two thirds the size they are today, and the hormones in our food have resulted in middle school students you could mistake for 30 year olds,
• political pressure for teachers to prove they are “effective” has resulted in so much standardized testing we’ve lost at least a quarter of our instructional time to testing that does a poor job actually assessing students’ learning as it’s format is at odds with what we know to be best teaching practices (this results in even more loss of instructional time as we now also have to spend time teaching the students how to test),
• and I barely make enough money to cover all my bills (and we haven’t received our promised yearly raises a single time since I’ve worked for the district)

By the time you reach the end of this list, you probably can understand why teachers usually burn out after 5 years. The thing is, this is the reality before you add in any issues going on in teachers’ personal lives. One of the most unfair things about it all is that, through all of the bullshit put on our backs, teachers are often expected to act as emotionless automatons that come to school every day, check all the right boxes, and take responsibility for the educational and emotional development of 150+ kids on our caseloads. 

Personal trauma, deaths of loved ones, financial struggles, sickness, mental health issues; all of these are inconveniences that teachers are often expected to compartmentalize in order to stay effective in their jobs. I’ve been lucky that I’ve had a supportive administration, as I’ve heard stories of principals telling their teachers to “leave all of that in the parking lot,” because school is no place for teachers to have weaknesses. 

And I’ve been going through a lot of shit in my personal life. When I was assaulted at a Halloween event in October, it fucked me up mentally. Obviously, it triggered my trauma from my original rape that happened in college, but it added on to the pile in unexpected ways. My inability to cope with the immediate fallout of this assault resulted in my first hospitalization that forced me to go on medical leave for November and December. But, as I processed through this event, and worked on rebuilding my mental health, there was a sneaky new trigger for my PTSD that I had no ability to discover until I returned to school: crowds.

All of a sudden, I don’t do well in crowds anymore. When I was assaulted in October, I was grabbed at a crowded event because I had my guard down with no ability to control everything going on around me at that moment. So now, when I am in a crowded and chaotic situation, I can literally feel my lack of control and it makes my brain shut down. 

Do you see the issue here? Teaching middle school is nothing but spending time in loud, crowded, chaotic situations where any sense of control is an illusion. 

So basically, since I returned to school in January, I’ve been living in a constant state of anxiety. I am triggered all day every day. My body is in fight or flight mode 24/7 resulting in a bottoming-out of my ability to sleep, feed myself, cope with sudden changes, relax physically, and accomplish most of my required tasks. It also hasn’t helped that in the month of February we had an evacuation due to a gas leak and a bomb threat. 

It’s not that I don’t want to do my job anymore. It’s that I literally can’t. If I keep going like this I will die. I am not exaggerating. Feeling like you’re in constant threat of attack is not a life many people would want to live. I initially asked my district for partial leave so I could cut down to part time. This would allow me to engage in trauma-based therapy, have the restorative down time I desperately need, but still finish the year out with my students (whom I love as if they’re my own. Yes, all 153 of them). Unfortunately, the policies of my school district don’t allow partial leave. They offered me full time leave through the end of the school year, or nothing at all.

Considering the extreme state of my mental health, I obviously had to take the full-time leave. 

That doesn’t change the fact that yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. My students were devastated that I’m leaving them. Just as I feared, many are feeling like I am one more adult in their lives that is abandoning them. My heart broke into a thousand pieces as students cried into my shoulders and clung onto my limbs. I received so many thank you and farewell notes from students I lost count. I have to come to terms with the fact that, although I’m leaving for reasons that have nothing to do with them, I’m still failing these beautiful impressionable souls by not achieving my goal of seeing them through to their middle school finish line. 

It would be an understatement to say that I am sad. There’s so much going on here that is really difficult to process, and it is going to take me some time to move on. People keep asking if I will return to teaching next school year, and honestly, I have no idea. At this point, the furthest out I have been able to plan is the next 24 hours. I can’t even conceptualize September, let alone what I’ll be doing in September. 

Releasing myself from this school year has officially closed one chapter of my life. I now have to embark on a new chapter where I confront my trauma in a way I have not been able to up until this point. I am terrified, I am sad, I am anxious, but I’m also eager and excited.

I’ll keep you updated on all that this next chapter brings.

Thank you for reading.