Tag: stream of consciousness

How to Isolate Like a Pro: A guide to letting your anxiety ruin your relationships

1. Meet someone you’re really into. Become friends with them. Maybe even start to love them. Let that feeling fill you up. Feel loved. Feel confident. Feel the excitement of a reciprocated connection. Reach out to them when you think about them. Create inside jokes. Spend time with them whenever possible.

2. Start over analyzing everything they do and say. Personalize it. Every space of time you don’t talk, let it make you think it’s your fault. You obviously have done something wrong by this point. People don’t like clingy people. Stop acting like you’re obsessed with them, it’s obviously chasing them away.

3. Prepare yourself for inevitable rejection by pulling away. Talk yourself out of messaging them every single time. Be aloof. Mysterious. Put the genie back into the bottle. Tell yourself you imagined the connection in the first place. You’re stupid. You’re naive. I can’t believe you thought they cared about you anyway. It’s better to just pull away now so you don’t get your hopes up.

4. Try to read their mind. Where did you go wrong? What do they want from you? Maybe you can change yourself somehow to get them to like you again?

5. Finally talk to them again. Maybe you messaged them, maybe they hit you up. They’re trying to figure out what’s wrong. Oh you’ve just been busy? Oh ok, they thought they may have done something wrong. Let’s hang out I miss you too.

6. Repeat.

A Night in the Brain of a Depressed Person Whose Working on It

I have been attending a Partial Hospitalization Program since Monday 12/2/19. This program is 9:00a-3:30p Monday through Friday and includes group therapy and CBT/DBT skills training. Opening myself up to being vulnerable and experiencing rather than suppressing my emotions is new for me. When I came home on Thursday night I unwittingly mounted a roller coaster of my own emotions, the following is a transcript.

Parks in front of house.

Turns off car.

Head down on steering wheel.

Exhausted.

Depressed.

Why am I depressed?
Why do I still hate myself?
I know this is a distortion.
These thoughts are distortions.
How do I reframe these thoughts?
I can’t reframe these thoughts, because I am worthless.
I am broken.
Stopthoughtstopthoughtstopthoughtstopthought

Distracted enough to forget the thought.

Gets out of car.

Walks into house.

Changes clothes. Doesn’t put pants back on.

Sits down on couch.

Bursts into tears.

Why am I crying?
Am I sad?
Do I feel depressed?
This feels like a good cry.
I’m just gonna keep crying and see where this takes me.
Ugly crying. Sobbing.
Sobbingsobbingsobbing.

Dog jumps on chest and licks all over face.

Laughing now.

Happy now.

Euphoric now. Not sure why. Rides wave.

Turns on Spotify.

Puts on favorite song. LOVE FEAT. ZACARI.

Bursts into tears.

I miss my best friend we always used to listen to this song when we hung out I hate that he lives so far away he probably doesn’t miss me at all. No. That’s a distorted thought. You’re trying to read his mind. How can you reframe this thought? He has a life and a girlfriend and a job and he’s living his best life and you’re so happy for him it’s ok that he is absent you actually see him more than you would think considering and everything is ok everything is ok everything is ok everything is ok everything is ok

Cries harder. It’s a good cry not a sad cry now though.

Receives message from someone I haven’t talked to in a while.

It’s a fun conversation.

Thinking about fun interesting things.

Content. Excited. Warm and Fuzzy.

Old friend asks to hang out.

Shuts down immediately.

I can’t hang out. I can’t do it. Last time I saw him I was my best self and we are having an awesome conversation and he thinks I’m this interesting fun person and I’m not and if we hang out he’s just going to realize I’m not this interesting fun person he thinks I am and then I’ll have to deal with rejection which will be inevitable no these are distorted thoughts too how do I reframe these thoughts? I am an interesting fun person just sometimes I get depressed and isolate from people but I’m working on it and every day getting closer to being this interesting fun person more often and I think I could probably hang out with him on a day I feel up to it

Feels better.

Feels calmer. Less anxious. Contentment returning.

Husband comes home. Sees mountain of tissues. Are you Sick?

No I’m crying.

Husband immediately gets concerned.

It’s ok it was a good cry.

Husband makes dinner.

Starts to make and set up Christmas decorations to Christmas music.

Thinks about how lucky it is to have a husband who isn’t scared away by crazy.

Bursts into tears.

Big hugs.

Lots of kisses.

Heart warms.

Exhausted.