It’s New Years Eve and, like many, I’ve been doing a lot of reflection. Looking back, I cycled through many adjectives before I could find the right one to apply to 2019. I landed on triumphant. When looking at the year as a whole, 2019 was not exactly good. There were important moments of joy, but there were just as many important moments of heartache, and even near tragedy. I worked hard this year; at work, for grad school, on myself. I not only went through changes, I went through complete transformations. All in all though, 2019 was a triumph for me. Here, I have included a brief reflection on the events of this year that made it so damn triumphant.
The Joy
On January 23, 2019, my sister’s divorce was finalized. This may seem like a weird event to include in the “joy” category, but believe me, it was the right choice. Sometimes marriages need to end. My sister’s marriage was one of them. And when it did, I got my sister back in a big way. This event also started out our theme for 2019 with a bang. This year, my sister and I decided, the theme would be “Taking out the Trash.” Basically, that’s our asshole way of goal setting. The goal being that we would spend 2019 ridding our lives of anything toxic that no longer served us. And we totally did. Toxic relationships, toxic thoughts, toxic habits; we systematically deleted as many as we could from our lives throughout the course of the year. And believe me when I tell you, I felt a sense of increased joy and freedom with each deletion.
On the other side of the coin, I opened myself up to new kinds of connections this year. I brought new people into my life. And, in 2019, I built connections with these new people by being genuinely myself. As someone with a lifetime of low self esteem under my belt, I attracted a lot of people based on how I could serve them. I made many friends and relationships over the years by being a people-pleaser. I became a pro at morphing myself into exactly who each individual wanted me to be (a pattern which widely led to our theme this year, see above). In 2019, I quit doing that. I worked on building my confidence. I committed myself to being honest, to allowing myself to take up space. And, as a result, both the old relationships I kept, and the new relationships I made, are stronger, more loving, and more supportive than I’ve ever experienced.
These people are what brought me joy in 2019. I traveled with them, I traveled to see them. I had silly drunk dance parties with them. Explored new outlets for creativity and worked on fun projects with them. Stayed up all night talking to them. Sang Celine Dion with them. Watched every single movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe in order with them. Taught them. Learned from them. Laughed with them. Cried with them. Leaned on them for support. So, to all the people who helped make 2019 a triumph for me, thank you. Thank you so much.
The Tragedy
Whereas some of the highs I had in 2019 were the highest highs of my life, I also experienced the lowest lows. The first half of the calendar year was the last half of my 2018/19 school year as a teacher. That was a really difficult school year. I had a high population of students with childhood trauma, a high rate of suicide attempts among my 8th graders, rampant issues with homophobic bullying in my school (that my school district handled inappropriately regardless of how hard I fought for change). By the end of it, I was questioning whether or not I still wanted to be a teacher. Those questions immediately sent me into an identity crisis, as teaching is all I ever planned on doing, and all I ever felt I was good at. The school year ended with me witnessing an episode of gender-based violence in my classroom that triggered my trauma.
When summer rolled around, I really should’ve taken a break. Taken care of myself. But another stressor I’ve been struggling with is money. So, I taught summer school and I enrolled full time in grad school for the winter, spring, and summer semesters. Overall in my life, I’ve used work and school as a coping mechanism to avoid thinking about my inner turmoil. If I’m busy, I’m not thinking, so I have to stay busy. In 2019, this habit almost broke me.
Then the 2019/2020 school year unfortunately started with more triggers. On September 9, 2019, a student from our school was kidnapped by a member of the community. She was held and raped inside my school building which was open after hours for a community event. The man was caught and is being appropriately sentenced. But this event made my place of employment a rape trauma trigger that made going to work almost impossible.
When October rolled around, I was primed for a breakdown. October is always already a difficult month for me. I was raped at a Halloween party in college. Therefore, as much as I love it, the Halloween season is an incredibly salient trigger for me. All of the sights, sounds, and smells of Halloween spark flashbacks that plague me all month long. Combine that with the triggers I had already experienced this year, and I walked into October on a razor-thin edge. Then, on October 19, 2019 I was volunteering at a Halloween event in Detroit. I basically volunteered to pick up litter and empty cups off the tables so I could get free entry. I was in my own world, cleaning up the balcony of a ballroom at the Masonic Temple while a goddess of burlesque performed down below, when a drunk man I had never seen before grabbed me. My official insignia as event staff didn’t protect me from being dragged into a shadowy corner as anonymous drunk asshole attempted to stick his tongue down my throat.
I fought him off.
I went and told my supervisor.
Security found him and, no questions asked, kicked him out immediately.
I thought I was fine.
10 days later I almost killed myself.
If you’ve been reading my blog, you know the rest.
The Future
Both the joys and tragedies of this year taught me a lot. They actually led to some of the most important transformations I’ve ever been through. Every single thing that happened in 2019 helped me understand myself, my needs, and my mental illnesses much better. They convinced me to seek help and make the changes that I desperately needed to make. The therapy I engaged in was the best choice I’ve ever made for myself, and I am looking at starting a new year, and a new decade, in the best emotional, mental, and relational space I’ve ever been in.
And, for 2020, my sister and I have officially decided on our new theme: I Come to Slay. In other words, 2020 will be a year of continued deference to my best self, my strongest needs, and my most important desires. I will take up space. I will be assertive. I will love myself as much as I love others. I will try my best to make positive changes in the world.
I’m ready for you, 2020. Let’s do this.
While writing the first draft of this post, I got very overwhelmed by the magnitude of what has happened in the world in 2019. From the most recent Prime Minister election in Great Britain, to India’s anti-muslim actions in Kashmir. From the climate crisis, to the continued indigenous rights violations and trans-violence happening world-wide. I look around and the world is a scary place. The state of affairs in the wider world is causing a great deal of trauma among many populations and gives me anxiety almost every day. That being said, I felt as though ruminating on all of these things I can’t control isn’t exactly the type of healthy reflection my therapist was talking about. So, if you are interested in educating yourself more about what’s going on/want to learn more about how to help, I’ve provided a list of links below:
The bigot Great Britain just voted into its top job
SOME of the many important issues impacting indigenous populations
One very small piece of mass incarceration
Literally every voice in this publication is worth learning from
An Experiment with Vulnerability 