I work in a middle school so, naturally, Valentine’s Day is super obnoxious. Awkward couples manifest out of lots of giggles, and lots of social media interaction. On Valentine’s day, cishet girls either 1) walk around the hallways standing tall, proudly carrying ostentatious monuments proclaiming their relationship status or 2) walk around the hallways depressed, cranky, and/or pouty because they haven’t entered the a-list tier of the middle school social landscape reserved for those “in a relationship.”

While cishet boys spend whatever money they were able to make selling takis and gum to their friends on material items to prove they are worthy of being in a relationship with a cis girl. Because they know that failure to provide said material items – the more ostentatious the better – will result in them not having a “girlfriend” for very much longer. 

Those who identify as neither cishet girl nor cishet boy, or something in between seem to disappear altogether as our societal preoccupation with cishet monogamy rears its ugly head amongst those as young as 11. 

(Not to mention, they are all sugar high).

And I can’t help but look around every year and reflect on how toxic this relationship culture is. 

Raging puberty hormones naturally make middle school kids interested in engaging in relationships, and that’s ok. It becomes a problem because social acceptance and social dominance is often tied deeply to one’s ability to attract a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” 

The social pressure to engage in heteronormative relationships before adolescents even really know themselves leaves them vulnerable to potentially serious consequences:

Mental Health

The types of relationships modeled by the media leave adolescents with unrealistic expectations for their relationships. They may think there are certain proverbial boxes that need to be checked as their relationship progresses. The disappointment associated with their relationship not living up to their expectations at a time in life when raging hormones are changing the chemical makeup of their brains has resulted in severe depression and suicide attempts. Consider the added condition that young girls are fed the image of the old spinster, crazy cat lady, and bitchy man-hating career woman so often and it won’t surprise you that cis girls are more likely to suffer these mental health consequences¹

Teen Dating Violence

Although the media models the type of relationships kids are “supposed” to be having, it rarely models what constitutes a healthy relationship. On the contrary, the media overwhelmingly contributes to rape culture, domestic violence, and sexual assault.² The CDC reports that 26% of women and 15% of men experienced intimate partner violence before the age of 18. Intimate partner violence – or teen dating violence if they are adolescents – can include: physical violence (like hitting, kicking, or choking), sexual violence, psychological aggression (using verbal or nonverbal communication to intentionally harm, threaten, or exert control over another person), or stalking. ³ 

Homophobia

The sex and gender norms inherent in heteromnormativity ⁴ lead to a culture of homophobia among young people. Students who identify as LGBTQ+ are bullied, harassed, physically assaulted, sexually assaulted, and commit suicide more often than their cishet peers. ⁵ 

If you are not a parent of a middle-school aged child you may be wondering why any of this is relevant to you. Well, the relationships we have as teenagers often set a pattern for the types of relationships we have as adults. Teen dating violence can lead to intimate partner violence and perpetration or victimization of sexual violence throughout the rest of our lives.³ 

Anecdotally, I have examples of toxic relationships amongst those I’ve loved floating to the front of my brain as I write this. 

People I respect either are currently engaging in, or in the past have engaged in relationships with abusers. 

And I can’t help but think that our relationship culture has to hold some responsibility here.

So, basically what I’m saying is this:

Being single is not a disease.

No one’s clock is ticking because there is no deadline on doing amazing things in your life; whether one of those things is having children or not.

Fuck the patriarchy.

Sources:

1. https://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/adolescent-development/healthy-relationships/dating/teenage-dating/index.html
2. https://www.marshall.edu/wcenter/sexual-assault/rape-culture/‘
3. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/teendatingviolence/fastfact.html
4. https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/why-heteronormativity-is-harmful
5. https://www.stopbullying.gov/bullying/lgbtq